Fine and Dandy
by Zab
Summary: Chris Carter loses it. One of those stupid fics written by someone who's completely lost their mind. But we can all use a little stupidity now and then. Or a lot.


Title: Fine and Dandy 

Author: Zab 

Summary: One of those stupid fics written by someone who's completely lost their mind. But we can all use a little stupidity now and then. Or a lot. 

Spoilers: Urm... pretty much assumes full knowledge of the plot up to now, including "This Is Not Happening". No specific spoilers I can think of though. Also it helps if you've ever seen the British comedy, "Mr. Bean", but if not, don't fret. 

Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully and Doggett aren't mine. They belong to CC, 1013 and Fox. Although if CC doesn't start treating them better they may run away, and if they showed up around my neighborhood, you bet I'd let them in and feed them. They might have problems eating cat food like the rest of my pets, but at least I'd have the decency to get Mulder and Scully together. So, anyway, please don't sue me, I only have thirty-three cents in my left shoe and it's *mine*! 

Archive: You want it, it's yours, with my name attached of course. 

Review: Pretty please? My first fic and I'm very insecure. (Yes, it's supposed to be this silly, this isn't an attempt at correct characterization) 

Turn back now, ye who value your sanity. 

*~*~*~*~*~*   
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office   
Monday 9:32 am 

Chris Carter thought and thought and thought. He had to write something brilliant... Something marvelous. Frank Spotnitz, Vince Gilligan, and John Shiban were outside of the office, pounding on the door. 

"Chris, are you alright in there?" Spotnitz asked. 

"We're worried about you," Vince added. 

"Please let us in; it's cold out here!" Shiban pleaded. 

"What kind of fool do they take me for?" Carter was talking to himself. Obviously the three writers were working with the Consortium. Agents of CSM himself! Carter shuddered at the thought of all the time he'd spent around those traitors! "At least I still have you my Penguin friend," Carter patted his desk lamp affectionately. "Ow!" he screamed as the light bulb burnt him. 

CC opened his desk drawer and took out an orange crayon, which he began to write with on a piece of binder paper. 

*~*~*~*~*~*   
Somewhere in Britain   
11:46 pm 

A strange light fell down from above on a road somewhere in the middle of Britain. The "Mr. Bean" theme music played and two men dressed in suits fell out of the light and landed with thuds on the ground. Mulder -- who was one of the two men -- got up. The other man, a less-than-handsome British native got up too. 

"What happened?" Mulder asked. 

The British man shrugged and muttered something Mulder couldn't understand both because he said it quietly and because of his heavy accent. The two walked off their own separate ways. 

After walking to the Hoover building, Mulder walked into his basement office. Scully jumped out of her seat at Mulder's desk and ran/waddled (she was noticeably pregnant) over to Mulder. They kissed, and were, in general, very sappy. 

"Oh, Mulder, I love you, I was so worried about you!" Scully practically clobbered him. 

"Oh Scully, I love you too! Your hair smells so pretty! And you're pregnant too, cool!" Mulder smiled. Then he blinked, "Were you using my desk while I was gone?" 

"Um... no.." 

*~*~*~*~*~*   
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office   
Tuesday 10:13 am 

Spotnitz, Shiban and Vince had given up on Chris and gone to an amusement park the day before. Shiban was still eating cotton candy and Vince had one of those Mickey Mouse hats on. 

"Wow, he's still in there!" Spotnitz said. 

"I think we'd better check on him, and make sure he's okay," Vince suggested. 

Spotnitz and Shiban whispered to each other and decided that since Vince had suggested they check on him, he should be the one to be thrown through the window into Carter's office. There was a loud crash of broken glass as Vince was thrown through the window. [Author's Note: Hurrah for Vince, writer of many a 'shippy episode!] With only minor cuts, Vince got up and walked past Chris Carter, who was napping at his desk with the orange crayon stuck up his nose, and unlocked the door to let Spotnitz and Shiban in. 

Carter snapped his head up. "Frohike, Langly, Byers! Thank Goodness you're here!" he hugged the three writers. 

"Um.... right...." Shiban was obviously confused. 

Carter jumped up and down an picked up the piece of paper from the desk, "Look! I've written the most brilliant script ever! Marvel at my infinite talent!" He handed over the paper with a "MWAHAHAHA!" that sounded frighteningly like a girlish giggle. 

After staring at the paper for a while trying to decipher the handwriting the writers began to comment. 

"Umm... Chris," Spotnitz asked, "why wasn't Doggett in the office with Scully, you going to give any explanation for what happened to him?" 

"Um, he died," Chris made up an excuse. He squirmed under their skeptical glances, "Okay! Fine, I lost Robert Patrick! He should be somewhere in the building, but I forgot where, and he's new and doesn't know his way around, and he's probably dead by now!" 

"How do you lose an actor?" Spotnitz asked. "Never mind, I don't want to know." 

Shiban raised an eyebrow as he glanced up from the script, "Didn't we already have the a Mulder back in the last episode, anyway? Why is he coming back again?" 

Carter glared at them and looked like he was about to burst into tears, "It's not finished yet." 

Vince thought it best not to comment on the script and simply plucked the orange crayon from out of Carter's nose. 

"Wow! I've seen that done with a quarter, but never with a crayon! How'd you do that?" Carter asked, dazzled. Suddenly his eyes lit up, "Get me nacho cheese! Lots and lots of it! I have an idea!" 

*~*~*~*~*~*   
Hoover Building -- No, not where they make vacuum cleaners, the other one   
Tuesday 1:34 pm 

Mulder and Scully were having an eggplant war, throwing them at each other happily when the phone rang. 

"Mulder," Mulder wiped eggplant goo out of his hair and listened with interest, "Scully!" he said as he put down the phone, "we just got an anonymous tip that there are aliens staying in a nearby abandoned warehouse. Apparently they thought it was a Motel 6." 

"Mulder, we've been over this before, it was probably just swamp gas, there's a logical explanation for everything," Scully paused a moment to think. "Except for my religion, but that's different." 

"But Scuuulllllyy.... I wanna go see the aliens," Mulder whined, his voice taking a childish tone, and jumped up and down with impatience. 

Scully threw an eggplant at him. 

*~*~*~*~*~*   
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office   
Tuesday 4:32 pm 

Spotnitz, Vince, and Shiban had returned from their second trip to get nacho cheese. Carter had sent them back the last time, screaming for more cheese, and not the low fat stuff either, he claimed it clumped too much for his purpose. 

"Is it really necessary to throw me through a *new* window?" Vince asked the other two. "I mean, we've already broken the glass in the other-" 

Spotnitz and Shiban got bored in the middle of Vince's sentence and threw him through a new window. Once again, Vince landed with a thud and rubbed his head as he got the door for the others. 

"Oh my...." Shiban and Spotnitz stared, and for the first time Vince took in his surroundings. 

Chris Carter was sitting in a lotus position in the middle of the room wearing a hat made of folded newspaper. His eyes were closed in meditation. A paintbrush lay on the floor, discarded. Nacho cheese dripped from the end of it, matching an entire wall of the room. 

His eyes snapped open, "Did you bring the cheese?" 

They nodded and he showed them the script. 

"I want some really nice special effects for the aliens. Scratch that, I want *fabulous* special effects. No, scratch that too -- I want to make that new Star Wars movie look like a sock puppet show!" Carter rambled. 

"Um, Chris, I'm afraid we can't do that. We blew most of the money for this episode on nacho cheese." 

"Hmm... then get me some of those fake flamingos people put on their lawns, a bag of googly eyes, and a hot glue gun!" CC said and resumed working on his script. 

*~*~*~*~*~*   
Abandoned Warehouse   
Tuesday 2:07 pm 

Mulder and Scully entered the abandoned warehouse. They cautiously look around, both keeping a hand near their guns as their flashlights illuminate the area. 

"I'm not seeing anything." 

"They'll be here, Scully." 

"Mulder," Scully sighed, "What do you plan to do if we *do* find the aliens?" 

"Well," Mulder replied thoughtfully, "I'm guessing that the alien will some how sneak up behind us and attack us, then we'll fire at it, then I'll drop my gun. Then I'll try to blind it with my freakishly high watt flashlight. Then I'll drop the flashlight, then we'll become separated and spend at least five minutes running through the dark warehouse shouting each other's names. Sound good?" 

"Or, maybe," Scully gently suggested, "We could set a trap for them?" 

"That's even better!" Mulder agreed. 

Soon they were hiding behind some boxes waiting for the aliens to fall for the trap they had rigged. The agents' "fool proof" trap was merely a box propped up with a stick. They were going to tie a string to the stick so they could pull it and have the box fall over, but they hadn't had the money to purchase the string, so they had opted to just throw a rock at the box once the alien came. Under the box was their bait, a pack of Morleys (Mulder had argued that all evil beings must like them). 

Without warning, the alien snuck up on them from behind and made an odd screeching noise. Scully and Mulder turned quickly to see the alien. It appeared to be a plastic lawn flamingo with a third eye glued onto it's head and orange, cheesy blotches in random places. To make a long story short, the alien got away, but Scully resourcefully caught it on a video camera that she miraculously found. 

When they took the tape back to Skinner, he said "Great work agents! This is irrefutable proof of alien life! Nobody could have faked a *video*!" 

So the agents did a little happy dance and all was dandy and fine. 

*~*~*~*~*~*   
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office   
Thursday 12:26 am 

Spotnitz, Shiban and Vince recounted the tale to DD and GA over bottles of iced tea. 

"So what did you do about Chris?" Gillian asked. 

"Did you bring me anything from Disneyland?" David asked. 

Shiban ignored DD, "Don't worry about him. We gave him a nice little cage and give him fresh water and carrots and newspapers every day." 

Then completely randomly, DD said he was coming back to the X-Files full time, and all was fine and dandy. 

The End 


End file.
